Growing Up
Growing up most young girls find that they want to look up to their fathers for support and life advice. However, there are many, including me, who grow up fearing their father and his temper. I know by no means that I can compare my childhood to others, but I hope to show that you're not alone in anything you face and even though it's real life there are still good(ish) endings to most stories.
Waking up to yelling, slamming doors, and glass breaking was very common during my childhood. I got to the point where it was almost annoying. Seeing my father hit my mom was something I began to see more times than I even want to remember. However, I didn't know any different, my parents actions were all I knew. I thought that this was normal for parents to fight and for it to always escalate to where it got out of hand. It didn't begin to dawn on me that something was seriously wrong until my 8th grade year, when one day at church there was a lesson on how people in relationships are supposed to treat each other. That was the first red flag I saw, but what was an 14 year old going to do.
Flash forward to the end of my junior year of high school and nothing had gotten better, in fact it was a thousand times worse. My parents had been in and out of counseling for the past three years and yet my father is still a raging alcoholic and a hot head and my mom hasn't figured out how to stand up for herself. At this point, the situation hadn't just affected my relationship with my family, but my friends as well. I didn't invite anyone over for fear that my father would snap and he would mash another hole in one of the walls (I'm not kidding about the holes in the walls), neither did my brothers. We all just holed ourselves up in our rooms. I would read or study and my brothers would drown out the fighting with the Xbox. My little brother was always terrified of his father and I spent my free time calming him down and trying to be the big sister that doesn't let things affect her, but they did. How could they not!?
It was that summer between my junior and senior that my mother finally stood up for herself. I woke up one morning around 11 am (it's summer and I'm a teenager...) and walked into the kitchen to find both my mom and grandmother (mom's mom) in tears at the table. I still don't know the details of what happened that morning, but it was bad enough to make my mom realize something needed to change. For the next few months it was a back and forth battle between my two parents until finally my mom filed for divorce (a case that is still in the process of getting finished). The day my mom filed was probably one of the happiest days of my life, because I knew my mom and my brothers would be safe and happy when I went of to college. The divorce still isn't final, but hopefully it will soon and maybe we will get our happy ending.
Now, I know most children don't want to see their parents spilt up. I was the same way for many years, but I know and believe that in our situation this is the only way for my mom and family to be healthy and happy. My father was only getting worse, my mom couldn't even go out to dinner with friends or wear what she wanted. I wish things could've been solved years ago and there had been a happy ending then, but it's real life and I'm happy with where I am today.
While I left many of the details out, I hope y'all get the picture that my mom was stuck in not just a physically abusive relationship but a mental one has well. On good days my mom was the best thing in the world to my father, but on bad days she wasn't even worth his time. I can see just how easily someone could be swept up into a relationship just like this. If it wasn't for my father's one mistake that summer morning and the support of family and friends, my mom could still be stuck in a toxic relationship. It's sad that violence is a common occurrence in today's society, but abusive relationships are one of the worst. Most women or men feel trapped, like they have no where to turn of help. My mother was one of them. She had three children to put first before herself and so she suffered all those years for us. I want to tell you that there is hope and people to help you. Children if you see abusive behavior between your parents please speak up. I wish I did. Even though it might seen like a child isn't able to do anything, you have power and people will listen to you and try to help you and your family. However, nothing is your fault (as a kid). While I wish I would've spoken up, I didn't know any better at the time. I can't blame myself for anything that has happened and neither should any of you.
You're not alone in any situation so please act before it's too late. While this chapter in my family's life isn't closed yet, it will be soon. I know that there are a million posts online about relationship abuse and how you need to get out if things escalate, but most people don't leave. I hope that my personal account of growing up and seeing it from a child's perspective shows you that it not only affects the parents, but the children as well. Maybe, someone else can find their happy ending too.
Waking up to yelling, slamming doors, and glass breaking was very common during my childhood. I got to the point where it was almost annoying. Seeing my father hit my mom was something I began to see more times than I even want to remember. However, I didn't know any different, my parents actions were all I knew. I thought that this was normal for parents to fight and for it to always escalate to where it got out of hand. It didn't begin to dawn on me that something was seriously wrong until my 8th grade year, when one day at church there was a lesson on how people in relationships are supposed to treat each other. That was the first red flag I saw, but what was an 14 year old going to do.
Flash forward to the end of my junior year of high school and nothing had gotten better, in fact it was a thousand times worse. My parents had been in and out of counseling for the past three years and yet my father is still a raging alcoholic and a hot head and my mom hasn't figured out how to stand up for herself. At this point, the situation hadn't just affected my relationship with my family, but my friends as well. I didn't invite anyone over for fear that my father would snap and he would mash another hole in one of the walls (I'm not kidding about the holes in the walls), neither did my brothers. We all just holed ourselves up in our rooms. I would read or study and my brothers would drown out the fighting with the Xbox. My little brother was always terrified of his father and I spent my free time calming him down and trying to be the big sister that doesn't let things affect her, but they did. How could they not!?
It was that summer between my junior and senior that my mother finally stood up for herself. I woke up one morning around 11 am (it's summer and I'm a teenager...) and walked into the kitchen to find both my mom and grandmother (mom's mom) in tears at the table. I still don't know the details of what happened that morning, but it was bad enough to make my mom realize something needed to change. For the next few months it was a back and forth battle between my two parents until finally my mom filed for divorce (a case that is still in the process of getting finished). The day my mom filed was probably one of the happiest days of my life, because I knew my mom and my brothers would be safe and happy when I went of to college. The divorce still isn't final, but hopefully it will soon and maybe we will get our happy ending.
Now, I know most children don't want to see their parents spilt up. I was the same way for many years, but I know and believe that in our situation this is the only way for my mom and family to be healthy and happy. My father was only getting worse, my mom couldn't even go out to dinner with friends or wear what she wanted. I wish things could've been solved years ago and there had been a happy ending then, but it's real life and I'm happy with where I am today.
While I left many of the details out, I hope y'all get the picture that my mom was stuck in not just a physically abusive relationship but a mental one has well. On good days my mom was the best thing in the world to my father, but on bad days she wasn't even worth his time. I can see just how easily someone could be swept up into a relationship just like this. If it wasn't for my father's one mistake that summer morning and the support of family and friends, my mom could still be stuck in a toxic relationship. It's sad that violence is a common occurrence in today's society, but abusive relationships are one of the worst. Most women or men feel trapped, like they have no where to turn of help. My mother was one of them. She had three children to put first before herself and so she suffered all those years for us. I want to tell you that there is hope and people to help you. Children if you see abusive behavior between your parents please speak up. I wish I did. Even though it might seen like a child isn't able to do anything, you have power and people will listen to you and try to help you and your family. However, nothing is your fault (as a kid). While I wish I would've spoken up, I didn't know any better at the time. I can't blame myself for anything that has happened and neither should any of you.
You're not alone in any situation so please act before it's too late. While this chapter in my family's life isn't closed yet, it will be soon. I know that there are a million posts online about relationship abuse and how you need to get out if things escalate, but most people don't leave. I hope that my personal account of growing up and seeing it from a child's perspective shows you that it not only affects the parents, but the children as well. Maybe, someone else can find their happy ending too.
-With Love
Em
Heartbreaking and yet very encouraging! Prayers for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteHow courageous of you to write this! I'm sorry you have had to live through this but I think you sound like a very strong young woman who will do very well in life!
ReplyDelete